Into.Me.You.See [intimcay] pt. un

I was once in what I thought was love until the spirit of discernent shook me. I realized that there were things that I needed that this man did not possess. But more than that, I realized through some much needed introspection that I could stand to work on a few things myself. I lacked somethings necessary for the success of being 1/2 of  a meaningful monogamus relationship. That's what discernment does to you. It forces you to face yourself, flaws and all. 

On a personal level, I faced what my mother refers to as intimacy issues. I've never been affectionate (with the exception of the man I'm speaking of and even that took work). For example, I never liked to hold hands, kiss (eww gross, childish, I know) or cuddle. I don't come from affectionate people, so naturally its a struggle for me. However, in growing as a woman, I've determined that not only does my soul crave these things from a man, but I also have to be willing to give them as well. My mom always taught me that you can never recquire something of someone that you aren't willing to give to them. 

What I realized was that all of the hurt that I endured was my own fault, because I allowed myself to be a doormat. I, as women often do, ignored the red flags and warning signs until I had already reached the bottom of the cliff...and boy did I crash and burn! After going through the same issues year in and year out, it became a choice and I was no longer the victim. I came to terms with the fact that no matter how much I loved this man, he possessed neither the willingness nor the capacity to give me affection, date nights that I didn't have to plan (like who plans their own dates, the fvck?) , selfless love, consideration, but most of all the respect that I deserved. 

Everything was trivial to him in comparison to making $$$. His ambition was one of the things that attracted me to him as well as made me admire him, but my soul yearned for someone who took me seriously and saw me as more than a means to an end. I came to a point where I could no longer take a backseat to dead presidents. It wasn't until I took a considerable loss that I saw how unequally yoked we were. The relationship was never about sex, but it was about using me up; so much that I had nothing left for myself. I was expected to put my feelings and needs on the backburner to make sure that he was ok. I was expected to forget that when he was down and needed help that I was there to console him, work two jobs and make sure that food was on the table. But, when things were reversed and I was in need of help, he was kicking it on the sandy white beaches of Miami, sending me pictures of the perfect view. 

With all of the money he had I never went on shopping sprees or vacations or even got flowers or gifts "just because." I figured at least if I had to play second fiddle to the hustler in him, I could get nice things to make up for the lack of attention. Wrong! He was as stingy with his money as he was his love and affection.

It wasn't until I spent time with another man that I understood exactly what I wanted.

I never had shit, so I've never been materialistic, so it wasn't the clothes, trips and gifts that I really missed. It was the laughter, the flirting, the love taps and him lying in my lap as I rubbed his head as we watched SVU. It was the back rubs and neck kisses, the intimacy. I don't like kissing, but its something about him that makes me want my lips to linger a little on his bottom lip, rub his back after a long day of work, make him breakfast, drop off lunch at his job and hold his hand. Its something about him that makes me want to make him laugh, smile and just feel good. 

Finally, I feel  comfortable letting my guard down and being open to the possibility of meeting someone genuine. I now feel like marriage and children are a possibility, before I never thought that a woman like me was worthy of those things. HIM is no one other than the represenation of a vast number of possibilities.

"To say that something is too good to be true, is to conversely say that GOD isn't able." -B.A. Wakefield